Introducing Mr Valentine
A spicy Q&A with my Dom
D/s Lifestyle || Ask My Dom || High Protocol || 18+
If you have been reading my work for a while you will know I channel a lot of my own experience of being in a D/s dynamic with my lover and partner.
It’s no surprise you are all insatiably curious about this elusive Dom of mine, and I get many, many messages asking about our set up - and how that impacts my writing.
I am delighted that Mr Valentine has agreed to let me interview him, and I hope this offers you a tiny glimpse into what goes on behind closed doors (although.. we like to leave them open. The curtains too).
Thank you to everyone who submitted questions. They were thoughtful and curious, and led to this great conversation. So, without further ado…
Meet Mr Valentine
We are at his place. I’m collecting all the questions and trying not to get too flustered reading them. Talking about our dynamic always makes me squirm, and he knows it too, so he’s been delaying answering the questions all night just to tease me. But I think I have just about cornered him, he’s got a drink and I have my pen at the ready.
Kate V: Are you ready my love? Sitting comfortably?
Mr V: As I will ever be. Are these real questions? laughs reading them
God ok yes they are. Right. Let’s get into it shall we?
I’d love to know more about the balance between how much of the dynamic is in service of the Dom and how much is in service of the sub and how it becomes a portal of growth and expansion for both
Mr V: Oh it’s definitely both
Kate V: scoffs
Mr V: raises eyebrow
It is! If it gets too one sided and that’s dull. Of course there are scenes that I create where the balance shifts, and they may be very service orientated towards either one of us, but ultimately it gets dull if it’s just one sided.
Kate V: Sure, but given one of my huge kinks is giving you pleasure that is a huge focus in our scenes?
Mr V : Well exactly Kate, that’s in service to you too then. Plus don’t forget our aftercare is entirely focused on you, and generally features a bone shaking orgasm or three. So, I would watch the scoffing thank you.
Kate V: ‘…’
Mr V: As to the portal part of the question, yes. It’s a very forgiving space..
Kate V: How so?
Mr V: Our dynamic creates an arena where neither of us is judged, there’s a safety in that. It’s a real privilege to have a space where you can be utterly yourself. Where all your needs and desires are seen and accommodated.
That has to be positive. So yes, that has helped me grow in my day to day life. I’ve definitely become more accepting of my proclivities, which means of course, I have become more accepting of myself - which is expansive
Kate V: It’s opened up more vulnerability within our relationship absolutely, and allowed for deeper more honest conversation. Personally, it’s helped me embrace my softer facets. The ones I don’t generally lean on in my day to day either. I can cry in-scene in ways I can’t usually, which helps me process emotions I wouldn’t normally be able to access. There’s a deep, almost spiritual catharsis that happens as a result of that which I crave at a very primal level
How has your writing affected your dynamic together? Have any of your stories given him food for thought about how he practices and embodies Dominance? And same question for you as sub.
Mr V: Absolutely yes of course. I’m aware that a number of them are fairly accurate portrayals of our scenes, but also a fair few are Kate’s fantasies. Some of which I may incorporate elements of into our play, but I’m quite adept and picking up on what she actually wants to try and what remains in the realm of fantasy. Plus she will tell me, we talk and revisit our wish-lists frequently as part of how we maintain our dynamic.
Kate V: Yes, occasionally I do use my words.
Mr V : tactfully ignores me
What’s been interesting is how the stories have now evolved to become part of our scenes. Kate will write something while I am at work and send me a draft to approve or get a view on, and I’ll respond. Usually with clear indicators to what part of the story is particularly good, and I may then proceed to tell her, explicitly, how hard her words make me. And exactly what she is going to have to do about it when I walk through the door. There will be certain lines that make me ache, most recently probably this …
Often there will be a theme that she’s writing about that we will explore. Spanking is a big one, or being restrained with my belt In this case - with the above mentioned hairbrush of course.
Another is being watched, and if that’s the case. I will make her watch herself in the mirror while I deliver whatever punishment I have decided fits her transgression.
So the story kicks off our scenes, and then I take the idea and run with it.
Kate V: And I have to wait for your feedback which is delicious torture too, especially when its interspersed with a lot of filthy sexting.
Mr V: Ha! Yes. This also feeds neatly into Kate’s denial kink as she has to wait on my approval before publishing them, and she fucking hates that. Like creative edging
Mr V: As to inspiring how I may embody Dominance, it’s an interesting question. For me Dominance is a natural preference or state when in dynamic. You can learn how to manage it, and there are tricks and tools you can pick up but really it is a heart-core feeling, the actual expression is very natural, almost not conscious. When I access that part of myself its like I am channeling something
Kate V: Like flow state?
Mr V: Yes, not dissimilar that exactly. There are ideas that come to me in-scene that I wouldn’t have dreamed up outside of it, and that’s down to the container you and I have created.
Kate V: Like when you tie me up with my stockings or…?
Mr V: That’s standard practice. I’m referring more to the words I use, particularly if we’re really in the thick of a degradation scene. But it’s all call and response. I will initiate and the way you respond to that will dictate my next move, but its the fluidity of us which is so irresistible. The way we summon up something entirely new between us every time we fuck.
Kate V: Yes, like its a similar script, but sometimes with slightly different characters or a different setting. I love the way we play with it, without necessarily needing the full idea at the start. It’s almost like improvisation. Borrowing ideas from other places, and then twisting them.
This whole post was actually based on a scene we had that started with one of my stories and then became one. We like blurring the lines…!
Please… tell me. What she was like? What did her cunt taste like?
Mr V: And don’t forget the one where you ask me if the post needs more anal, that did make me laugh because the answer, as you know my love, is always yes.
Does Mr. Valentine lean into sadistic themes, or is it more about the container…the counting, the symmetry, the aftercare?
Mr V: Kate, I’m not that sadistic am I? Really?
Kate V: hysterical laughter
Are you kidding? You know how hard you get when I yelp and squirm.. come on…
Mr. V: Right. Yes, that’s fair. It’s about the line between pleasure and pain though, you need to be on the wire, right on that edge. But I wouldn’t just give you pain, that would be intensely dull.
That said, I equally wouldn’t just indulge you with pleasure either. It’s the variation that makes it interesting, and definitely what keeps you on your toes. The nipple clamps, that you so love to hate? Watching you struggle with it and then surrender to the feeling is fucking beautiful.
Kate V: There’s a lot about having to surrender to feeling in our scenes, which has helped me so much in my vanilla life too. I struggle to sit with an uncomfortable feeling and I’m quick to distract myself, you don’t let me do that in our dynamic. You hold me in it.
Mr V: Exactly. As to the container part of the question - we build it together and it changes as our relationship evolves too.. It’s crucial to the dynamic because it is the arena in which we play. As our desires change or shift, it has to shift with us, which is where the constant communication comes in right?
Kate V: The kink menu list? We are probably due another road of updating this!
Katie writes about being seen, about attention as its own kind of touch. How do you hold that space for her off the page?
Mr V: I am a good listener.
And I create space for Kate to talk as that’s often how she processes. I will also play with this too, in-scene by giving her a lot of attention then taking it away and making her wait for it. Playing with attention like that, the feast and famine of being seen and then ignored, ironically gives her need to be witnessed more focus. She has to witness herself in that flux. Plus she gets insanely feral with that push and pull, which I love.
Kate V: Torture! More please
Does reading her work change how you see her…or how you see yourself in the dynamic?
Mr V: Her work reveals more of her inner world which is quite dark, and it’s definitely illuminated that side of her for me. I see myself as someone who can create the space for her to explore that safely.
To Kate - You like risk, and that can sometimes be your blind-spot right? You have this need to feel strong and I allow you a place to break.
What’s one thing about being her Dom that she’s never written?
Mr V: There’s not enough rimming in Kate’s stories. That needs amending asap!
Kate V: Consider it done Sir salutes
Mr V: But being serious, you don’t write about the psychological perspective, or rather where the Dom perhaps isn’t always strong, and I wonder if your readers would be interested in that vulnerability. It’s not tropey right, but all your Doms don’t tend to break character, and you could add more nuance to it. The vulnerability that the dynamic opens up for us both?
Kate V: I love this idea. A less fantasy driven portrayal of the dynamic. Maybe one where a Dom has to safe word out? Explore how do you make the vulnerability real and yet still maintain dominance?
Mr V: Exactly. Add the humanity back into it
Assuming Kate has some soft and hard limits, what is the one thing you like to explore with her further?
Mr V: Ass to mouth
Kate V: Oh do fuck off! Respectfully. Sir
Mr V: laughs
Hey, they asked! We are in negotiation, water sports is the next thing I am keen to play with, so watch this space? That’s if Kate wants to write about it…
Kate V: If the fans want it, who am I to say no?
Inquiring minds would like to know if you are in fact a good girl...
Mr V: Oh. Yes. Without a doubt. She is My Good Girl
Kate V : beams
I hope you enjoyed our little chat. I know we did. We both were rather hot and bothered by the end of it. So thank you for that my darling readers. We owe you.
There were a number of questions that were more directed just at me and I am considering answering them but they will almost undoubtedly be behind a paywall!
Do DM me with more and if we hit critical mass I will write it up.
If you missed the deadline to add questions for Mr. Valentine, again send them through on DM and I may run another session with him.
He’s being a particularly good sport so let’s all encourage him shall we?
Comment below and share the love!
If you enjoyed that, and you’re new to my work, start here - free posts to give you a flavour of my work. Jump on in, it’s dark, but it’s delicious x
I am fascinated by Mr V. I realize that editing goes into everything, but he comes across as genuinely intelligent and thoughtful, and I can see why you are attracted to him on an intellectual and spiritual level (and on other levels, of course, that are beyond the scope of what we readers are able to parse through words alone).
I found the mention of flow state and call and response interesting, because I think that’s such a common state of being among creatives.
Because I am who I am, I’m going to make an opera analogy. When I’m performing on stage, there is a clearly defined structure: the music, the words, the staging—all of this has been decided beforehand. And yet the actual unfolding of each scene is different every performance, because the energy each performer brings is different, and you just sort of get into this state of feeding off one another’s energy and that makes things shift and slide around within that structure—and that’s where the true magic of live performance lives: in the ability to channel that flow state to build something that is greater that the sum of its structural parts, but that at the same time would not exist without that very structure.
There I go again, blabbering off the top of my head. TL;DR Mr V seems very lovely indeed and thank you for sharing his words and thoughts.
That said, I don’t think I would survive a dynamic where my creative output lay inside the frame. Any Dom who tried that would be on the receiving end of sharp words, and possibly other sharp things 😅
What a treat this was. Thank you both ever so much for inviting us into this generous and intimate exchange. xx